When I was about 20 years old, I dated someone that was extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative to me.
I made several excuses for mistreatment for about 4-5 months, before my parents and a few other family members staged
an intervention in which they told me of their own experiences with this person when I was not present, and how they too
had very hurtful things said to them by this person. They saw the collapse of my mental health during this time, and
made the choice to sit me down, and talk me out of the relationship. I took their advice, and separated from the person
very abruptly.
Two years later, when I was 22 I fell on hard times, and became virtually homeless. During this time, I reached out to
several people that I felt that I had hurt over my life. I still don't understand why I did this to this at this time to
this day. One of these people was the person above, and unfortunately, I started seeing them again. Things were fine for a
few months, but slowly they began to tell me everything they didn't like about me. Slowly but surely, I would hear more and
more about how awful I was, and how I needed to change different parts of who I was.
It all came to a head one night when we were exchanging jokes with one another, and they told me that I had become
"borderline abusive" towards the end of our first relationship. I often expressed to this person that I had felt that I had
been a bad person in my past, and how desparately I wanted to redeem myself and be a much better person than I had been. I also
have a version of OCD that revolves around unintentionally harming myself or others. My partner knew about both of these things,
and I feel as if they were intentionally used against me.
Unfortunately, this form of OCD can stretch and destroy the perception of experiences one has. I see myself as the bad guy in
almost every situation. I took what this person said very seriously, and did my best to get help and medicate to become a better person.
I also fell into a strong marijuana dependency, and attempted suicide during this period of time. I had no idea how to be "alright"
ever again. The beat and lyrics for this song came about through the ruminations I had around this subject. I didn't know who to believe.
Do I believe my family, who loves me, and intervened when they saw me in a toxic situation? Do I believe this person's account of the
details. Do I believe in myself and my own memories enough to allow myself to live a fruitful and fufilling life? These are questions
that I've wrestled with for about three years now, and I'm just beginning to make music again. This song is primarily about me processing
this truama, and struggling with holding myself accountable through confusion and doubt of my own recollection of my experiences. I need
to be better. I need to be alright.

-Eric

~links~
twitter.com/ItsEricParker
soundcloud.com/ericparkermakesmusic
www.facebook.com/ericparkermakesmusic/
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